


where I make my home

by Lise



Series: Where the Devil Don't Go [10]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Angst, Dysfunctional Relationships, Gen, Implied/Referenced Dubious Consent, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Loki (Marvel) Has Issues, Mental Health Issues, Minor En Dwi Gast | Grandmaster/Loki, POV Thor (Marvel), Past Rape/Non-con, Past Relationship(s), Past Sexual Abuse, Protective Thor (Marvel), Psychological Trauma, everyone here is basically 'not great but trying'
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-14
Updated: 2019-11-14
Packaged: 2021-01-30 10:35:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21426817
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lise/pseuds/Lise
Summary: The Grandmaster blew through like a hurricane, leaving wreckage in his wake. Thor tries to deal with it, and with Loki. The operative word being, a lot of the time, 'tries.'
Relationships: Loki & Thor (Marvel)
Series: Where the Devil Don't Go [10]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1202188
Comments: 52
Kudos: 568





	where I make my home

**Author's Note:**

> I just can't leave this verse alone, can I. Keep coming back to it, and circling around it, and poking at it. I blame the fact that it's really the only "exploration of the aftermath of trauma" thing I have going right now, and for whatever reason that's what I want to be doing at the moment. Also I think someone asked about what Loki would be like in the aftermath of [preacher man won't cut no slack](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21162782), so then I...went and wrote it, after writing a short answer about it. 
> 
> Also I've been wanting to write more Thor POV in this verse for a while. So here it is. A reminder, in case one is needed, that Thor's perspective in a lot of ways is as skewed as Loki's - his sense of responsibility and guilt is not necessarily accurate. Basically: please don't trash talk Thor in the comments, it makes me sad. 
> 
> With immense thanks to [Amelia](http://ameliarating.tumblr.com), as always, for her tireless editing work, and all those on Tumblr and here who continue to enable me. Note to mind the tags - while there's nothing terribly explicit in this particular fic, it very much continues to deal with the aftermath of sexual slavery and sexual abuse, so that's quite present, and there's some discussion of suicidal ideation.

Thor could - reluctantly, with great difficulty - admit when he was in over his head. And there was no way of avoiding the fact that he was in over his head now.

Of course he had been in over his head for a while, but he’d thought perhaps he was getting a handle on it, _managing, _that things were improving - and he was fairly sure they had been, at least a little_. _

That was gone. The work of months destroyed in the space of perhaps a half an hour.

And Thor didn’t have the first idea of what to do now.

He gave up on staring at his brother’s door and took a deep breath before knocking. “It’s me,” he said, hopefully quickly enough to allay any panic about it being someone else. No answer was immediately forthcoming, and Thor closed his eyes and leaned his forehead against the wood. “We don’t have to talk,” he said. “Just…”

_Just what? _Thor didn’t know what he wanted. Or, well, he knew what he wanted, but he didn’t think he was going to get it. At least not at the moment. 

He heard the knob turn and pulled back quickly, taking a step away and trying to arrange his expression into something - something other than the misery he was feeling. He didn’t think he managed before the door opened and Loki was looking at him. 

His face was blank, unreadable except for the tightness around his eyes, but the way he held himself was less opaque. Tense, coiled like a snake but poised to flee rather than strike. Thor could almost see him slipping away silver-quick and vanishing into undergrowth. He was too pale and too thin, both qualities gone from natural tendency to sickliness. 

“Thor,” he said quietly. At least it wasn’t ‘your majesty’ this time. He’d slipped on that yesterday, and Thor had thought he might empty his guts on the floor. 

The disc on Loki’s neck, visible thanks to his casual clothing, seemed to leer at him.

Loki faltered. “What is it?” he asked, anxiety leaking into his voice, and Thor realized he had just been standing staring silently. He tried to make himself smile, but based on Loki’s faint wince it must have been a poor effort. 

“I just wanted to...see you,” he said. “It seems I - haven’t, much, this past week.” Loki’s eyes widened a hair and Thor realized he’d made a mistake. “It’s not a problem,” he added hastily. “Only-” he groped for something that couldn’t _possibly _be misread, and tried, “I’ve missed you.” 

The very slight flinch told him he’d still somehow missed the mark. “My apologies,” Loki said. “I suppose I’ve been - a bit of a recluse.” 

“That’s all right,” Thor said. “I don’t mean to tell you that you need be more sociable.”

Loki scanned Thor’s face. He tried to keep his expression as open and transparent as possible, _believe me, please believe me, I’m not trying to trick you, I don’t want anything from you._ His brother’s eyebrows drew slightly together and then smoothed out.

“I could be,” he said. 

“If you want to,” Thor said, emphasizing the word, _want. _Loki glanced away and fell quiet. Thor tamped down the anger that tried to rise - not at Loki, not really - and said instead, “Loki...is there anything that you _do _want? That I can…”

“No,” Loki said, too quickly. “No, that’s - not necessary.” He looked back at Thor and smiled, and the horror of it was that it almost looked genuine. “I’ll be all right.” 

Thor wanted to grasp him by the shoulders and shake him. _No, _he wanted to say. _No, you won’t_. _Let me help. Please let me help. _

He sighed, unable to mask his disappointment, and saw Loki tense a notch, his mouth opening for another apology. Before he could, Thor said, “all right. If there is something - you will tell me? I’ll see it done.” He tried again to smile. “Anything for my favorite sibling.” 

Loki glanced at him sidelong, again with that quick, sharp assessment, _what does he want from me._ At least Thor recognized it now. After a couple moments he gave a sharp and crooked smile and said, “steep competition for that designation, mm?” 

He sounded so much like _himself _that it made Thor’s chest hurt. He wanted to reach out and pull Loki into his arms and hold him there for too long, but he didn’t, only held his smile and said, “not _that _steep.”

Was Loki’s quiet laugh real, or just what he thought Thor wanted to hear?

Would he be able to tell the difference?

* * *

“Anyone can die,” Thor said. “I swear it, I will find _some _way of killing him, and I hope it’s _painful._” 

Valkyrie looked up from mending a fishing net and raised her eyebrows. “Talked to Loki, did you?” she said. Thor ground his teeth, pacing back and forth on the dock and glaring at the water. “You’re wrong, anyway,” she said. “At least, I’m pretty sure. Definitely _you _couldn’t do it.” 

Thor turned and growled at her, but she just met his gaze evenly. “Do the violent fantasies help?”

“They don’t _hurt._”

“But it doesn’t help, either,” Val said, altogether too sensibly. Thor glared, but only for a moment before he slumped. 

“No,” he said, morose. “Nothing does.”

Val set down her net, grimacing. “You tried getting drunk?” she said. “Worked for me.” Thor cast her a baleful look and she exhaled through her nose. “I don’t know what to tell you, Your Majesty. I don’t do emotional shit.”

“You were on Sakaar for _decades,_” Thor said. “You must have seen others who-” He stopped, not exactly sure what words he’d meant to use. 

“Others who got caught in the Grandmaster’s orbit? Sure,” Val said. “I didn’t get too close to any of them, though. And none of them made it out alive.” Thor’s stomach plunged, and whatever look was on his face had Val hastening to add, “none of them got away, either.”

_I don’t know that Loki feels he did get away. _“What happened to them?” 

“Really, Thor?” He just looked at her in silence, and she sighed. “They died. One way or another. Either the Grandmaster got bored, or a rival got to them, or they killed themselves. Is that what you wanted to hear?” 

It was nothing he hadn’t expected. It still felt like a blow to hear her say it. Especially the last. He remembered Loki saying _I am aware that would cause more problems for you than it would solve for me._

Was that all that stood in the way of Loki’s letting go as he had before? If he convinced himself that was no longer true, would he…

Thor sat down on the dock. “I don’t know what to do.”

Val’s mouth twisted. “I know.” Thor cast her a plaintive look and she spread her hands. “You think I do? I don’t. This isn’t exactly my strong suit. Feelings. Dealing with personal problems. Whatever.”

Thor looked down at his hands. “Everything I do seems to be wrong. And everything I say - if I ask something he treats it like a command. He watches me like he thinks I’m going to _hit _him - or something, I don’t know. And when he seems fine I don’t know whether it’s real or whether he’s just acting how he thinks I want him to.” 

Val shifted uncomfortably. “Why are you talking to me about this?” 

“You’re here,” Thor said. “And Heimdall was busy. I don’t think the Hulk will help. Who else do you suggest?” 

“What about your friend,” Val said. “The sneaky one. Natasha. She seemed smart.”

“No,” Thor said immediately. “Absolutely not. Do you think Loki would want anyone else to know?” Something strange passed across Val’s face, quick but not quick enough. Thor recognized guilt when he saw it. He narrowed his eyes. “What.”

Val grimaced. “Look,” she said. “She’s sneaky, like I said, and I was drunk. Besides, I think she’d already guessed most of it-”

“You _told _her?” Thor’s voice rose sharply. 

“Yeah,” Val said, defensive. “I did. _Accidentally. _She was asking questions about the Grandmaster, and I mentioned you owing him. And nothing’s happened, has it? She hasn’t _done _anything. If anything, backed off. Based on what I saw of her I don’t think she would’ve until she got answers, and it seemed like better from me than Loki.” 

She wasn’t wrong. Natasha was persistent, Thor knew that, and clearly his telling her to stay away had done nothing. But he couldn’t help but feel betrayed by both her and Val. He wondered if she’d told his other friends, if they all knew-

“I told her to keep it to herself,” Val said. “Seems to me like she understands about keeping secrets.” 

Thor clenched his jaw. “At least _one _of you does.” Val stiffened and she stood, grabbing her net. 

“If you’re going to be an asshole,” she snapped, “you can be an asshole on your own. I’m not putting up with it.” 

She stalked off, and Thor didn’t stop her. The pang of guilt was beginning to feel like an old friend. He couldn’t help but feel like this was his fault. He never should have left Loki on Sakaar. Or at least shouldn’t have left him _helpless. _If he hadn’t done that then maybe Loki would have followed, like he’d said he would have, and his brother wouldn’t be a shattered wreck of himself. 

They’d be rebuilding Asgard together.

Thor pushed those thoughts out of his mind as hard as he could. There was no point dwelling on might have beens, could have beens. Loki, naturally, had informed him bluntly that he had nothing to feel guilty for. _I would have turned you over, remember? _he’d said. _If you hadn’t struck first it might have been both of us. Or just you._

He wished, sometimes, that Loki would just be angry. It would be easier to deal with.

* * *

Thor gave himself the span of a day to calm before he called Natasha. 

“Thor,” she said when she picked up, audibly surprised. “You know you should be careful about calling this line.”

“Valkyrie told me,” he said. There was a brief hesitation, and Thor recognized the pause of someone deciding whether or not to evade, or perhaps outright lie. He waited to see what she would do, and heard her sigh.

“I assume you mean she told you that she spilled what happened with Loki,” Natasha said. Her voice was neutral, if maybe a little rueful. 

“Yes,” Thor said. “That’s what I mean.”

“Don’t be too hard on her,” Natasha said. “I’m very good at getting people to tell me things. It’s kind of what I do. And I figured out enough to know what questions to ask.” 

Thor moved his jaw back and forth. Eventually he said, “and?” 

“And what?” 

“And-” Thor wasn’t sure. He just thought there ought to be an _and. _Absurdly, he remembered what Val had said about asking her for help, and was almost tempted. “Nothing. Never mind.” 

There was another brief pause. “How are things going, anyway?” she asked. Thor stiffened. 

“I don’t see that’s any of your business.” 

“Thor,” Natasha said after a beat, and sounded a bit hurt, “I meant with your people. The rebuilding. It seemed like it was a bit of a work in progress when I was there.” 

“Oh,” Thor said, a bit sheepish. “Yes. It is…” He sighed. “Slow going, to be honest. But we endure.” 

“Asgardians seem pretty resilient, at least as far as I’ve seen.” Natasha made a noise, not quite a hum. “All right. You’re probably going to find out sooner or later, so let’s rip all the band-aids off at once. After I talked to Valkyrie, I went and spoke with your brother again. I’m guessing he didn’t mention it this time.”

Thor’s fist clenched and his teeth clicked together. “I told you not to.” 

“You’re not my king, Thor. I don’t always do what I’m told. It wasn’t a _long _conversation, anyway.”

Thor wanted to shout at her, but it wouldn’t do any good now. The damage, if there had been damage, was done. “I hope you’re finished now that you’ve got what you wanted,” he growled, and hung up. After he did it, he wished he hadn’t, but he wasn’t about to call back. He rubbed his remaining eye and sighed before going to find Loki.

It was a bit of a challenge. Thor didn’t think Loki was actually _avoiding _him, at least any more than he was avoiding everyone else. He just seemed to be generally occupied in making himself as invisible as possible. Half the time Thor wouldn’t know what he was doing until he tried to do some task himself that he’d been meaning to take care of for days and found it already done.

Thor supposed he ought to appreciate it. Mostly he just found it maddening.

He managed to track Loki down eventually in the building where their council met, where he was writing - something. “What are you working on?” he asked, and Loki jumped, his head swinging around in surprise that might have been comical at any other time. He adjusted quickly, though, running his fingers through slightly unruly hair and offering up a smile. 

“Notes,” he said. “A few minor complaints have come up. We ought to work out how you are going to handle legal disputes here. Thus far they are few enough to be handled individually, but there should be some formal code in place, perhaps a court-” He cut off abruptly, flushing. “-forgive me. I was only - I got carried away.”

Thor wanted to wince. He made himself smile instead. “I don’t mind,” he said honestly. “I appreciate the suggestions. Norns know I need them.” Again that quick examination of his face, and Loki relaxed. 

“It was a thought, anyway.” He pressed his hands into his thighs. “What do you need?” 

Thor hoped his wince wasn’t as visible as it felt. “I don’t _need _anything,” he said. “Is that the only reason I would seek out my brother?” 

“Of course not,” Loki said after a hitch of a moment. 

Thor wondered if he should say it again, _you know I don’t just care about your utility, _but he knew what Loki would say, and he knew what he would believe. Instead he said, “I did want to...ask you something, however. If you were willing.”

“Of course,” Loki said, sitting up, the picture of attentiveness. Thor wished he’d said something else. Preferably something sharp and cutting about how Thor needed to mind his own business, or was he really asking to ask a question, or..._something. _Something that would tell him that the Loki he knew was still there, underneath the fear.

He remembered Val saying _what’s even ‘himself’ now? Probably not the same thing it was before Gast got to him. _He’d wanted - he still wanted - so badly for her to be wrong. For this to be temporary. And maybe it would be, it hadn’t been so long, but...

“Natasha told me she spoke to you,” Thor said carefully. Loki blinked, seemingly surprised, but he didn’t deny it. “You didn’t tell me,” Thor said. Loki’s eyes widened and he added quickly, “I’m not upset. I just...why didn’t you?”

Loki’s eyes slid away from him, down to the paper. “I suspected you would be angry,” he said. “With her, if not me. It was not...nothing happened. She asked some questions, and left. I didn’t think it was worth troubling you over.”

“It would have been,” Thor said. “I would not have minded. It isn’t an _ill _thing for me to be angry on your behalf, is it?” 

“With your friends?” Loki shrugged one shoulder, but before Thor could make answer he moved on. “It doesn’t matter. As I said, nothing happened.” 

“She didn’t...upset you?” 

“No,” Loki said, and he sounded honest. “She did not. She was remarkably - _tactful, _in truth.” He smiled faintly. “You have nothing to worry about.” 

_I have plenty to worry about, _Thor thought, but he just sighed, and gestured at a nearby chair. “May I sit?” 

“Please. Can I offer you anything?” Loki said, already starting to stand.

“That’s all right,” Thor said quickly. “Unless you wanted something for yourself. And you needn’t feel the need to entertain me, either. If you want to finish your note-taking, or read, or...I don’t mind.” 

Loki looked at Thor through his eyelashes, and a brief burst of frustration went off in Thor’s chest. “I am not trying to trap you,” he said. “I - mean it, when I say that I want you to do things that _you _want. Not - what you think I do.” He just caught a flicker of wariness at the back of Loki’s eyes, and said more forcefully than he meant, “I’m not _him._”

Loki’s eyes widened. “I know that,” he said. “Of course I - you are nothing alike.”

Thor looked down. He heard Loki fidget, could almost feel his agitation. “Sometimes I wonder,” he said lowly, “when you act like you are my servant instead of my brother. Like I am - an exacting master you need to appease.” He could almost hear Loki wrestling with himself and said, without looking up, “you don’t need to. I think-” he huffed a laugh. “I think I would be grateful for your knife in my ribs if it meant you didn’t fear me.”

He knew Loki didn’t want to lie to him. The silence, Thor thought heavily, meant that he couldn’t offer reassurance easily without doing so. Because he was afraid of Thor, afraid of his anger, afraid that Thor would cast him out, and Thor wished he knew whether he could blame it on the Grandmaster or if he needed to look in the mirror. He wished it was the former. He feared it was the latter. 

“I am sorry,” Loki said at length, quietly. When Thor raised his head he was looking down at his hands in his lap that were twisting together. 

“You don’t need to apologize.” 

“I do,” Loki said, glancing up. “I have made you feel - _guilty, _for something that is not your fault.” He let out a stuttering, ragged, and humorless laugh. “I suspect this is what he wanted.”

“What is,” Thor said, not certain he wanted to know.

Loki shook his head. “I would have gone with him, you know. Without fighting.” He rocked a little forward and then back, and Thor suspected he wasn’t aware of doing so. His eyes were far away. Thor was reminded of how he had been in the wake of the Grandmaster’s departure - gasping for breath, shaking, shattered. And the terrible laughter when the controller hadn’t worked. Hysteric. Mad. 

“I wouldn’t have allowed it,” Thor said. 

“That’s why I would have gone.” Loki’s eyes focused a little on his face. “You would have fought, and you would have died, and he would have taken me anyway.” He shuddered, and took a breath, and then said, “you know that - sooner or later it will happen. Don’t you?” 

Thor’s breath caught in his throat and he froze. “No,” he said harshly. “No, I _don’t _know.” 

Loki’s lips twisted a little, his shoulders drawing upwards. “That was the point of it, I think. To prove that - that he can find me, and there’s nothing I can do about it, and nothing you can do about it, and that I’m still…” he trailed off. “He’ll come back. Maybe in a decade, maybe in a century. And reclaim me. Not even because he wants me. Just because he can.”

_I won’t let that happen, _Thor started to say, but he couldn’t promise that, could he? If Val was telling the truth, the man was unkillable, or nearly. Or he could simply come and steal Loki away in the dead of night while Thor slept in another house. His heart rose into his throat, cutting off his voice. One corner of Loki’s mouth twisted up toward an unhappy smile and then fell. 

“I wish I could kill him and bring you his head,” Thor said. Loki looked down at his hands again, twisting together in the anxious gesture he had always shared with their mother.

“I - appreciate the sentiment.” 

“It should be more than sentiment,” Thor said, and he could hear his voice rising. “I should be able to do _something, _something other than - sit here and watch you suffer. You are my _brother._” 

Loki shook his head. “It isn’t your duty to - _fix _me. If such a thing is even possible.”

“Not my _duty,_” Thor said. “And I don’t want to _fix _you.I want to help.”

Loki rocked again, his arms folding around himself. “I know you are doing everything you can - more than anyone could expect - and I am grateful for it.” 

“You don’t expect anything,” Thor said. The words came out harsher than he meant them to, and Loki flinched. “Am I wrong? You think every gesture I make is undeserved generosity, that my suggestions are veiled commands, that the slightest error will see you thrown out. And I don’t - I don’t _blame _you for it, Loki, but I don’t know how to convince you that it isn’t true. That I’m not looking for an excuse to be rid of you. If you could just tell me-” 

He broke off. Loki was looking at him like he’d never seen him before, and Thor felt a pang. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I shouldn’t have raised my voice.” 

Loki shook his head jerkily. “No,” he said. “You’re - you’re right. And you deserve for me to expect better of you.”

Thor made a bitter sound at the back of his throat. “Are you saying that because it is what you think I want to hear?” he asked. “And now you will reshape yourself again to act like you don’t think it? Because Norns forbid - Norns forbid you think of yourself first.”

“I am thinking of myself,” Loki said. “I am thinking of how I can _spare _myself. Do you know what it is like to live in fear, _constant _fear, your life dependent on another’s whims, but it isn’t your life at all because that would be better, better to have that escape than to be trapped in a spiral with no way out and no end, it should have happened years ago, and sometimes you think you’ve never been free at all, just moving from one cage to another always shackled to someone else’s will, and everyone is a liar, and every choice is the wrong one, there _is _no choice only one inevitable road and every time you try to turn aside or change course the Norns yank you back into line by the noose around your neck that never quite closes-” 

Loki sucked in a breath and stopped. He looked shocked at himself, like he hadn’t meant to speak and couldn’t quite believe that he had. Thor stared at him and felt as though he wanted to cry. 

His brother lurched to his feet and took several quick steps away, the back of his hand pressed to his mouth, his back to Thor. He could see Loki’s body trembling. 

“You can’t help me,” Loki said, breathless. “There is nothing left to help.”

“That isn’t true,” Thor said weakly. “You are here, aren’t you?” 

“Here,” Loki said. “Yes. But I am - I am not myself. I am a cobbled together patchwork of Odin’s making and the Grandmaster’s making and the making of the Void. And yours.” All the feeling had gone from his voice. “You want your brother back. But that person doesn’t exist. If he ever did.”

Thor’s stomach was in knots. “Loki…”

His head dropped forward. “Please,” he said. “Go.” It was desperate, plaintive, like a child trying to banish a nightmare. Thor took a step forward, then stopped, biting his tongue.

“All right,” he said quietly. “But I...I will be here. Not far.”

“I know,” Loki said. 

Thor opened his mouth to say something more, then slowly closed it. He had nothing else to say. 

He let himself out and stood for a moment staring out at the sea, then put his face in his hands and wept. 

* * *

Thor did not see Loki all the next day. He fought the urge to go knock on his door, to check on him, though he got so far as standing outside his house a couple times before turning away. He didn’t want to intrude, and yet at the same time he couldn’t help but be afraid. Loki had said he wasn’t going to hurt himself, but it was hard not to fear that that might have changed. 

He didn’t want to believe what Loki said about something being fundamentally broken in him, beyond repair. But the despair gripping him was hard to shake. _A cobbled together patchwork. _

Damn the universe for doing this to him. To them.

He tried to think what their mother would do, if she were here. Toyed with the idea of giving the controller to Tony Stark, to see what he might do with it, but they hadn’t yet spoken and he would undoubtedly ask uncomfortable questions. Loki’s presence was not public knowledge. Thor preferred, at least for the moment, for it to stay that way.

Loki could not cope with the onslaught that would come when that changed. Not now; not as he was.

He called Natasha.

“I told you to be careful about using this line,” she said. “And if you’re just going to yell at me more, I’m hanging up and not answering again.” 

“What do I do,” Thor said. There was a pause. 

“What do you mean?” 

“What do I _do,_” Thor said again. “Loki is - I don’t know how to help, and he’s getting _worse, _and-” He felt sick, guilty, knowing that Loki wouldn’t want him to be saying this, wouldn’t want him to be speaking to anyone else, but he _didn’t know what else to try._

“Thor…” Natasha sighed. “There’s no rulebook for dealing with sexual trauma. Or trauma in general. I can’t tell you what to do, because I don’t know what he needs. Or what he’ll _accept._”

Thor squeezed his eyes closed. “I need to do _something._”

Another long pause. “Shit,” she said, under her breath, and then, “I don’t know. All I can say is - sometimes it’s not about _doing _anything. Sometimes it’s just...listening. Being present with someone. Sometimes that’s all there is.”

_That’s not good enough, _Thor wanted to rail. _What am I supposed to listen to when he won’t speak, how am I supposed to just sit there and watch him falling and not try to stop it, _but it wasn’t Natasha he was angry at. He didn’t know if he was even _angry _so much as - frightened.

“I’m sorry I don’t have a better answer,” she said gently. “I really wish I did.”

“Why?” Thor asked. “You have no reason to bear my brother any love.”

“I don’t,” Natasha said. “But I consider you a friend.”

Thor bowed his head. “Thank you,” he said, instead of what he wanted to say, which was _I wish you had a better answer too._

* * *

He waited until evening to knock on Loki’s door. “It’s me,” he said.

There was what felt like a long pause before the door opened. Loki wasn’t standing at it, and Thor stepped carefully inside to see him curled up on one end of the couch, his head on its arm, wrapped in a blanket and staring at some fixed point a long ways away. Thor would not have thought him present if it were not for the fact that he’d plainly used his magic to open the door. 

He paused where he was, searching for the right words. “I’ll go if you need me to,” he said, “but I thought I might...come over for a bit. I brought a book - a Midgardian tale Val recommended.” He paused. “Though perhaps taking her recommendations is a bad idea.” 

Loki didn’t react except to blink. Thor forged onward. 

“I also brought materials for hot chocolate,” he said. “Have you had that, yet? It’s very good. I thought I’d make some.”

Another blink. Had Loki been here all day, just like this? Thor tried to push that thought aside. 

“Anyway,” he said. “I don’t expect conversation. I just didn’t want to be alone in my house.”

He set aside the book he had brought, along with the optimistic deck of cards, and went to the kitchen. Taking a deep breath and then letting it out, he turned on the stove and set about making the promised hot chocolate. 

Norns, he felt so...useless. 

He brought out two mugs when he was finished, setting one down within Loki’s reach and taking the other to the chair. Opening the book he had, indeed, borrowed from Val, he took a sip and made a face when it scalded his tongue. “Careful,” he said to Loki. “It’s hot.” 

Loki stirred a little. This time when he blinked his eyes seemed to focus more on Thor. “What?” 

“The hot chocolate,” Thor said, gesturing at it. “Burned my tongue a bit. Might want to give it a minute before you try any.” 

Loki’s eyebrows furrowed like Thor wasn’t making any sense. Thor looked down at his book, turning to the first page and looking at it without reading. Waiting. 

“What are you doing?”

It didn’t sound accusatory. Or even particularly anxious. Just...tired, like whatever fire fueled Loki had gone out. “Just sitting,” Thor said. “You don’t need to entertain me. If you want to rest...but I do recommend you try the hot chocolate first.”

Loki’s brows furrowed further. Thor paused, then closed the book, using his finger to hold his place. “If you did want to talk, though...I’m here. I’m trying to be a better listener. Since you used to tell me I didn’t listen to _you..._I thought it might be a good way to practice.” 

The way Loki looked at him hurt. Thor held his tongue, though, and made himself just look back down and stay quiet, counting the seconds. 

“You did listen,” Loki said. It sounded hoarse, like he’d been screaming. 

“Not enough,” Thor said. “Not to what you didn’t say.” He gave Loki a brief, lopsided smile. “But that’s not important right now.”

“What is?” Loki asked.

“That you’re my brother and I love you,” Thor said, and did not let his voice crack. “That’s really all.”

There was more silence. He heard Loki take a shuddering breath in. “You deserve better than this,” he said, barely audible. “Than me.” 

“I don’t care what I do or don’t deserve,” Thor said. 

Loki stirred and sat up, clutching the blanket wrapped around him like a shield. “You should.” 

“But I don’t,” Thor said stubbornly. “And you can’t make me.”

Loki blinked. He looked momentarily like he wanted to laugh, though it faded fast. 

What I _should _do,” Thor said, “is work on the ledgers that still need balancing. But I’m not going to. I’m going to sit here, and drink hot chocolate, and find out what Val likes to read.”

Loki was studying him, but rather than reading Thor’s mood now he just looked a bit incredulous. 

Thor tapped his mug. “I’m serious about the hot chocolate. I think you’d like it. It’s very sweet, especially with the marshmallows. Midgardians have some strange ideas about food but this is a good one.”

Loki reached out slowly and picked up the mug, though he didn’t take a sip. “You are acting very strange.” 

“It’s been a long week,” Thor said. “I’m tired. And avoiding my responsibilities.”

Loki’s mouth curved in a tremulous facsimile of a smile. Trying for normalcy. “Just like old times.” 

“If only,” Thor said. “I never thought I’d miss Master Knud.” 

This time the smile was a little more real and a little less fleeting. “I’d forgotten about him.”

“Lucky you,” Thor said, with somewhat exaggerated mournfulness. Loki looked down, but the faint smile lingered. And he took a small sip of hot chocolate, and then looked at it in surprise. 

“It’s good,” he said. 

“Isn’t it?” 

Quiet fell, but it didn’t feel quite so charged. Loki was still sitting huddled into the couch, but his gaze was clearer, and if he was watching Thor closely, it didn’t seem quite so wary.

“I know what you’re doing,” he said abruptly. Thor tried not to tense.

“What am I doing?” 

“You are…” Loki grimaced. 

“Sitting with you,” Thor said, as gently as he dared without setting Loki off. “For a quiet evening. That really is all. I thought maybe it could be...nice.” 

Loki’s expression flickered with quick uncertainty.

Thor flipped over the book. “Though I wonder if I shouldn’t have asked _you_ for reading recommendations. I have a feeling Val gave me this one as a jest.”

“It doesn’t seem unlikely,” Loki said. There was something cautious about the way he said it, but he still said it, and maybe it was wishful thinking, but it didn’t seem as forced. 

“I suppose I’ll find out when I start reading.”

Silence fell again. Loki was cupping the mug of hot chocolate between his hands, his eyebrows furrowed again. “You know you don’t have to be here,” he said after a few moments, gaze skating over toward one of the corners. “I do not need...you needn’t worry.”

_Of course I need worry. _Thor didn’t say that, though, only said, “do you want me to be here?” 

Loki wavered. He looked like he was wrestling with that question. “I won’t hold it against you if you don’t,” Thor said. Maybe it wouldn’t make a difference, saying, but he said it anyway.

“No,” Loki said slowly. “No, I...you don’t need to leave.” 

Thor wanted to press him, wanted to get him to say it, that he _wanted _Thor to stay, but he supposed that was probably more than he could hope for right now. 

“All right, then,” he said casually. “Thank you.” 

Loki looked vaguely panicky. “You’re welcome,” he said after a beat too long, and Thor pretended not to notice. When his brother said nothing further, Thor opened the book again and started paging through it. He could feel Loki watching him and just waited to see if he spoke. 

“I don’t know how to stop,” he said, the words bursting out of him in one breath. “I can see how it - how _I _am distressing you, but I can’t seem to - fix it.” 

Thor took a deep breath and let it out. _Carefully. _“It isn’t you distressing me,” he said. Loki’s eyes showed doubt and Thor said, “I know it...seems that way. But it isn’t. It is…” He frowned, considering his words. “It is your pain. It is seeing you suffer, and knowing that there is no enemy I can battle to make it go away. If a dragon was attacking you, I could kill it; if you had a fever I could find a healer. But this…” Thor smiled unhappily. “I am not good at feeling helpless. But that isn’t _your _fault.”

The look in Loki’s eyes ached, but at least he was looking at him, and seemed to be listening. 

“You said,” Thor said, “that the brother I want back doesn’t exist. Maybe - maybe not the same one I knew before. But then, I am not the same brother you knew, either. None of us are whole.” He reached up and tapped his eye patch. “Some of us quite obviously.” 

Loki quivered, a little, but he didn’t look away. Thor cleared his throat.

“That is - that’s all I had to say.”

“Thor-” Loki stopped. He seemed lost for words, and Thor couldn’t tell if it was a good or an ill thing. He set down the hot chocolate and jerked to his feet, taking a step toward Thor and then back, the blanket falling back to the couch. He seemed afraid to move. 

Thor set aside both book and mug himself and stood, slowly. He moved toward Loki, slowly, but for once he didn’t look afraid, or wary, or nervous. He looked like a starving man being offered food, and was uncertain if it was a mirage.

When Thor embraced him it was carefully, gently, like Loki was a piece of blown glass that might break in his hands. He could hear Loki’s shaky, too-quick breathing and almost drew back, but his forehead fell against Thor’s shoulder and one of his hands curled into Thor’s shirt like it was an anchor.

“I want to believe you,” he said, little more than a whisper. 

“I’ll just have to convince you.”

He felt Loki shudder. “You can’t protect me from - _him._”

Thor swallowed the surge of anger. “He isn’t here now. You don’t need to live as though he is.” 

Loki made a small noise, a sob just caught in his chest. Thor drew back just a little and clasped the back of Loki’s neck. “Would you look at me?” 

Loki lifted his head from Thor’s shoulder and met his gaze with red-rimmed eyes. Thor rubbed his thumb up and down once, then leaned forward and kissed Loki’s forehead.

“I’m glad you’re here,” he said. “Patchwork or not. It wouldn’t be properly home without you.”

It didn’t feel like enough. Not even close. Still felt hopelessly inadequate.

But the way Loki looked at him, like that was something he’d _desperately _needed to hear, made it feel like something.


End file.
